During an otherwise sanguine press conference in the spacious lobby of the new Bush Library, former President Bush revealed the "true" reason for attacking Iraq. Bush, with characteristic Texas drawl and swagger, told a hushed flock of astonished, but credulous reporters that WMD, regime change, the war on terror, yellow cake, and not even the overall lack of civility and good manners of the Hussein family were "the reason" (sic) his administration chose to preemptively launch "Shock and Awe". With several of Bush's more recent water colors as a backdrop, including the putative masterpiece of the former president's extended legs in a claw-toothed bathtub with his toes and knobby knees chastely visible, Bush launched into a memorable fusillade of extemporaneous incoherency.
"Aside from the pure entertainment value, the "Shock and Awe" attacks provided the networks with their highest ratings since Superball IV", Bush stated. Even for those inured to the clueless former president's insensitivity, this unexpected spasm of irreverence accompanied by the renowned presidential smirk stunned the truthsayers and spinsters into astonishment. Judith Miller, former queen of blood lust at the New York Times and now a Fox News commentator, quietly left the room. Six years of exile, had given Bush no sense of atonement or insight into the horrors perpetrated by his administration.
With smirk intact and body overtaken by suppressed convulsions of silent laughter, and still oblivious that none of his former enablers had gotten the joke, Bush intoned with exaggerated drawl, " No the real reason was the sinking of the Maine. This has been confirmed by Russian Intelligence and Tony Blaire." The incredulous group of hardened reporters were now shocked and awed into silence by this verbal TASER. Finally, Thomas Friedman, chief of the blood lust bureau at the NYT, broke the silence by deferentially informing Mr. Bush that the Maine had been sunk in 1898 and was the historically inaccurate cause of the Spanish-American War. Always disdainful of thoughtful pause, the nimble-witted former President replied that "undisclosed intelligence reports from Britain and Nepal", had clearly shown a link between the sinking of that vintage battleship and an Iraqi operative. When the President was soothingly informed by a correspondent from Comedy Central that Iraq did not exist as a country at the time of the Spanish American War, the Commander and Chief testily requested that security "have that pinko, commie, dope fiend, bastard" removed from his library. Bush then howled with tartarean resonance that, " This hallowed hall is only for bibliophiles."
As pandemonium now flooded the room like the ghettos of New Orleans after Katrina, Condoleeza Rice, seductively adorned in a sleek, sky-blue, backless gown and stiletto heels, clutching a copy of the forty third President's biography Decision Points firmly against her bosom, stepped forward to announce, sotto voce, that there would not be any more time for questions because it was urgent that the President receive his morning medications.
The denouement of this most memorable press conference occurred when Vice President Cheney burst out of a utility closet behind Mr. Bush, wielding in one hand the same the 12 gauge weapon he used in his now infamous hunting "accident" in Wyoming and lustily devouring a Wendy's Baconator in the other. Mr.Cheney, appearing atypically unhinged, lunged at the gathering while bellowing that they had 30 seconds to disperse or " I will be getting my quota of liberals for the season." During Cheney's tirade, unfortunate onlookers in the front tier were showered with spittle laced micro-projectiles of bacon and burger. Instantly after Cheney's jeremiad the former VP's aides "hit the ground" to avoid any friendly fire while the members of the enabling media dissolved into hysterical bedlam.
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